Ok, I said it…I’m sick. Derainged.Glutton for Punishment. I really am. Sometimes…no, usually, I walk all the way down to my car (from the 3rd floor) and realize that I’ve forgotten my keys. I always forget my phone. Sometimes I leave my kid places. But, what I did a month ago doesn’t even compare to the crazy crap I’ve done in my life. Dumb.
I gave in to my mother.
For those of you that know me, you know that my mom has been telling me(no asking me, no-really BEGGING me) to sign up 0n eHarmony. After countless “no, mother!” and “I’m not that desperate.” – I gave in. She paid for it-so what did I have to lose? Or so I thought. That question has been answered over and over in my mind-each time I get an email from my “Perfect Match”.
Whoop-ee. Can you hear the excitement in my voice?
At first it was so embarrassing. I spent 2 almost 2 1/2 hours telling them everything about me. I’m surprised they didn’t ask if I wore granny panties or a thong. (eyes rolling) UGH! Anyway, I digress….
So, then the waiting begins. Starting from day 1, I started getting Welcome emails from them. Then, from The Matches…I mean, getting emails from a dang computer telling me that my perfect match was “Phil, age 43, Lake Charles.” (I’m rolling my eyes even more now)
Kill me now, please.
So, I played along-quietly. Secretly. I didn’t even tell my closest friends. (actually-there are still a handful that don’t even know! and they are going to be pissed…so, “I’m sorry” in advance).
A little background training on how this works. Emails come flooding in everyday with matches that they have picked for you based on your profile and specifications. They even send you some that they refer to as a “Flexible Match”,which basically means that they don’t really meet all your requirements, but “we think you might like this person”. Most of these types of matches were guys that lived out of Texas, sacked groceries, and still lived a home. (are you beginning to see the humor in this? Glad to see my life is so darn entertaining). Needless to say, I didn’t appreciate the “flexible match”.
So, when my first perfect match turned out to be a , and I quote, “sales associate” who strongly resembled Carrot Top, it was even worse. Match after match poured in and nothing. (I seriously am not being picky-I know that’s what you are thinking)
Then it happened. I actually received a request for communication (as they call it) …this one from a James in Indiana. He told me I was his “Perfect Match” and that even though we were far away physically, he hoped I would consider him. James from Indiana was not so bad. Really. He was actually pretty darn cute! And, he contacted me first. So, what they heck, i thought…”won’t hurt ya” are the words I kept telling myself. So, I gave him another chance opened the match. That was August something and I still haven’t heard from him. Seriously? (eye roll)
I poured over my pictures once again, wondering how scary I must look to these guys…and actually hoping I would see something that would answer the question as to why I have not heard from ANYONE. Looking for a booger or something in my nose, or a crossed eye, even a deformity. Something! Nothing. I didn’t have this much trouble getting attention from guys in middle school-when I was flat-chested (you think I am now?) had braces and frizzy hair.
And to think this service was supposed to make a person feel better about themselves, because people are “pre screened on 29 Dimensions of personality: scientific predictors of long-term relationship success.” What a load of crap. I am convinced had I stayed on this service any longer, Darth Vader would be my PERFECT MATCH…with my love of Sci-Fi and all…(yeah right! MAJOR eye roll there). Anyway, all this humiliating experience did for me was further propel me in to the dating black hole where, I..I’m, umm, I feel comfortable. I like it here.
Back to the drawing board…
PS: Here are some of my pictures from the dark side…
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- my profile picture
Mad World...Adventures of a Single Mom 